Vivid
by Weirdxyz
Summary: "He could fight anything - he was strong enough to lift a fucking car, but then again, he was powerless when it came to a battle with his own mind." Shizuo is struggling with horrifying nightmares that slowly change his view of his most hated enemy. Whereas Izaya can't get rid of his undisclosed desires, obsessions, that start to control his judgement, he believes.
1. Be Careful What You Wish For

A/N: So, hello there :D  
I'm after a looong break from writing due to personal problems, but heeeey, I think I'm back at it again, yay  
Anyway, my writing style might have changed slightly because of that, I hope it won't be hard to read, gosh.  
just so you know, phrases in italics are used for emphasis or character thoughts.

Well then, here, I welcome you to Vivid.

Have fun :3

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It was such a peaceful day. Work was good. Apparently his reputation as The Strongest Man of Ikebukuro and all that shit has finally started to pay off, since all today debtors simply paid up, without a single complaint, at the mere sight of him. Tom seemed to be happy as well. No wonder. Shizuo managed to not destroy any public property for the whole shift. Paying debtors are good debtors. He was strolling along the sidewalk with Tom at his side as they were heading back to their main office to return the money they retrieved.

"Well, Shizuo! I'm really proud of you today," Tom said grinning as he gently elbowed the blond at his side. "Everything went surprisingly smooth."

Shizuo gave him a small smile before nodding. "Yeah, thanks, Tom-san."

"How about we celebrate it with some ramen? Let's drop the money at the office and grab something. My treat," the dreadlocked man offered with a wink. Shizuo smiled again as he hummed in approval. _Yeah, it's a good day._

The blond sighed satisfaction as he lazily let his gaze to wander around their surrounding. The city was busy as always; the streets were bustling with life, people were on their ways from work to grab some beer with their colleagues, laughing as they talked their plans for the evening. Singboards were glowing around him with various invitations, neon letters promising entertainment for those tired of their eat-work-sleep-repeat routine. Despite the ring of the chaos surrounding him, with all the sounds of bustling life meddling together, Shizuo found it peaceful. No screams, no fights, no commotion - just a stable pulse of a living city. Faces around him were mostly smiled, content with slowly approaching weekend, the promise of joy or rest longing in the air.

And then he felt it.

A strong tug at his consciousness. As if something sharp jabbed him in the stomach. Shizuo felt his expression shift, a deep frown forming as his forehead creased. Something heavy and _dangerous_ invided the atmosphere around him. Something suspicious, slimy, _scheming_.

It _reeked_.

The blond rapidly stopped on his tacks and carefully scanned his surroundings, his fists started to clench unconsciously.

 _Where?_ he though and his eyes shifted from one passerby to another, looking for, searching.

At some point, Tom realized that his kouhai wasn't following him anymore and stopped as well, turning back with a frown of concern. "Shizuo...? Is everything okay?" he asked cautiously. But Shizuo didn't even acknowledged the question as he was busy with intense search, standing in place, listening, looking, smelling, _sensing_.

 _He is somewhere in here._ It was a statement. Shizuo _knew_ it. Louse's presence was more than obvious with how heavy it loomed in the air.

The blond _heard_ it. The snicker. Amused snicker somewhere behind him, snicker that he was able to distinguish from all the noise of busied streets. Shizuo turned around abruptly as if on cue and his eyes miraculously landed just at _him_.

He was wearing his usual annoying fur-trimmed coat and his features were decorated with wide, sinister smirk, edges of it as sharp as the knives the informant was so found of wielding, and he was currently talking to someone at the entrance to an alleyway. The Raven extended his arm with grace and passed some papers to the person, who firmly nodded in response as he took it. _Shady_ didn't even begin to describe how the whole arrangement seemed.

Shizuo could feel as his calm, recollected self was slowly slipping away from his grasp to be soon replaced with livid fury, gradually taking over his consciousness. He could hear Tom's voice somewhere in the distance calling after him but he shamelessly ignored it. Fuming blond turned around to face his senpai and a little bit too roughly showed the bag with their collected money into Tom's chest. "Tom-san, I need to go. Can you deliver the money on your own?" he said, without taking his eyes from the informant. It was more of a demand than a question but the dark skinned man didn't dwell on it as he simply took the bag from Shizuo. "Y-yeah, sure but what's wrong? We were supposed to go grab-"

"I'm sorry, maybe some other time Tom-san," and with that, the blond abandoned his senpai and swirled around to face the direction of that parasite. The damn louse was still grinning and probably producing some witty remarks to humor his 'client'. The blood boiled in Shizuo's veins at the mere thought of what could the flea possibly be scheming this time. In _his_ city. The city that seemed to finally be peaceful for once in a fucking while.

He took first few steps in Izaya's direction and felt the heat rising in his body. The rage and irritation started to build up more and more and his pace quickened, manic grin formed from his lips. Without even thinking he grabbed the trash can and, with growl close to animalistic, hurled it at the flea.

Yeah, it was a peaceful day.

It _was_.

"IIII-ZAAAAAAA-YAAAAAAAAA!" he screamed from the top of his lungs, as the trash can went flying. Izaya's eyes went wide for a moment before he immediately jumped to the side, avoiding collision.

Then their eyes met.

Crimson met honey brown. Teasing smirk met crazy grin.

Izaya's gaze was piercing and sharp, his eyes glowing with sudden excitement.

"Ahh, Shizu-chan. What a pleasure. I was rather sure your working hours just ended," the raven said with fake nonchalance, his voice melodic, and his smirk widened even more as his hand slowly travelled to his coat pocket to reemerge with a knife. He flipped it open in one fluid motion of his wrist. The informant didn't take his eyes from Shizuo as the blond approached, completely neglecting his client, who apparently hurried to leave as soon as Shizuo's roar echoed.

"Just because my working hours have ended doesn't mean you're welcome here you fucking piece of shit." the blond managed to growl, before he lashed out at the other.

He saw a glimpse of amusement, entertainment, _passion_ in Izaya's eyes, when the raven swirled and broke into running.

Shizuo cursed profanities under his breath and sped up.

And so their chase was on.

Powerful wave of adrenaline washed over him, uncontrollable grin that lacked any actual positivity widened on his face as his limbs carried him in sprint after the goddamn fucker. The pest just _had to_ turn up. Of-fucking-course. Everything seemed too good to be true, with how peaceful it recently was. But then Izaya would appear, destroying it all, with his mere presence, with his schemes, involving innocent people into whatever shady shit he came up with.

 _Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill_

The blond grabbed the first thing which happened to be nearby, some small booth with hot-dogs or something, he wasn't sure. He just tossed the damn thing at the running informant who was laughing maniacally, visibly amused. Obviously, it missed.

God. Fucking. Dammit.

 _Killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill_

The sound of Izaya laugh alone made him see red. Shizuo could feel the oh-so-familiar blind rage building up, as his body heated, his vision narrowed, focused solely on his prey, blood was rushing through his veins, he could literally feel them throb against his skin. His fists were clenching and unclenching, were _itching_ to make an impact, to unburden him from the unbearable excess of anger, itching to hit, to throw, to crush, to smash - to fucking KILL the disgusting bastard. That pest, parasite, louse.

 _If only he could finally die, fucking disappear,_ he thought. That would make everything so much easier. The flea was always meddling in something, scheming something, manipulating, twisting words, thinking of the ways to destroy a life or a few. Including Shizuo's own. The fucker was barging into Ikebukuro despite all of the blond's... well, pleas was not the right word, but warnings, sure.

"COME BACK IN HERE, YOU HEAR ME?!" he screamed again, continuing the chase, following Izaya who was jumping with an unsettling grace above any obstacle that appeared on his way. Be it a car, railing, wall, a fucking _baby carriage._ With a growl Shizuo ripped the street sign off the tarmac, trying not to lose his pace in the process, so that annoying flea wouldn't get the opportunity to take advantage of his slowed tempo to get away. He watched as Izaya slowed down a little to turn his head slightly in Shizou's direction, to look him straight into the eyes, flashing him a smirk and a fucking _wink_ , as if to say ' _try harder, beast'_. He almost heard those words echoing in his skull. The blond gritted teeth hard enough make the sound audible, his grip on the stop sign tightened to the point of nearly crushing the metal within his hand. He swang it with full force but mere centimeters were all he needed to actually land a hit - _obviously,_ Izaya suddenly ducked and, with quite spectacular maneuver involving a goddamned crouching _pirouette,_ slashed through Shizuo's left leg, shredding the material of his pants. His fucking clothes, destroyed. n. The blond stopped abruptly, huffing with rage, trying to seize the opportunity of Izaya being close, and he swang it again, but the raven was already few meters away, running in different direction.

Killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill

"You fucking piece of SHIT!" Shizuo roared and threw the street sign towards his enemy. But the informant simply stepped to the side while his run, avoiding it effortlessly, without even fucking _looking_.

"Oopss, missed it again!" Izaya screamed back cheerfully before falling into yet another fit of laughter. The bastard was enjoying it. He was having a blast.

 _Die die die die die diediediediediediediediedIEDIEDIEDIE D I E_

It should be so easy, killing him. He was just a human being. Easy to break. And yet, Shizuo tried for years in no avail. He just kept jumping, hiding, running - unreachable. Always so fucking _unreachable_. Shizuo was sure that he never felt emotions so strong towards anybody as he felt hatred for Izaya. It was pure _passion._ Overwhelming _need_ to reach him, grab him, _have him_ in his grasp, to erase his fucking existence.

The blond's pace slowed down, his breath becoming ragged. And yet, Izaya was still running, ahead of him, and was just entering another alleyway. Just when Shizuo was ready to give up for a day, the informant turned back, with this damn smirk plastered on his face and _winked_ at him. _Again._ And that lit the rage in the blond all anew. He suddenly felt like on fire, as if something exploded, erupted inside of him. It was a blind rage, fury, a swirl of unmanageable emotions: anger, irritation, frustration, helplessness, distress. Shizuo stopped abruptly and with a roar grabbed the vending machine conveniently standing close. He lifted it above his head, as if it weighed nothing at all, ready to throw it with full force.

 _diediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediediedie_

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!"

And he threw it.

The makeshift projectile cut through the air like an ridiculously oversized bullet making a whistling sound. Shizuo smiled with a pang of satisfaction as he observed the perfect trajectory of his ''weapon'. He caught a glimpse of those reddish brown eyes widening slightly and that damn smirk faltered a little before a loud crash echoed in a radius of a few streets at least. The powerful impact left an enormous cloud of dust and ashes in its wake, covering the whole alleyway and making it impossible to see through it.

As the sound of the crash died out, an overwhelming silence occurred.

Shizuo could only hear his own ragged breath as his adrenaline slowly decreased from his bloodstream and the blood gradually stopped ringing in his ears.

It was so quiet now.

Too quiet.

 _Did it land?_ He wondered hastily. But obviously there was no one or nothing to answer him.

Shizuo could feel the corners of his lips dropping as his smile faded completely. "Shit," he mumbled.

He froze. Suddenly, all the blood drained from his face and cold, unpleasant shiver run down his spine.

People around started to whisper, some gathered, some ran away.

 _Shit. Shit. Shit._

Suddenly, he found it very hard to breath. As if an invisible barrier appeared somewhere in his airways, letting through only a limited amount of oxygen into his lungs. "Shit. Fuck." he gasped.

 _It hit him, fuck, oh shit it did hit him, god._

Confusion. That's the first thing he could decipher within all the emotions he felt. Not satisfaction.

Terror. That was the second thing. Not bliss.

 _No._

Denial. That would be the third one.

"No. It can't be." he breathed quietly to himself. All the sounds of bustling city suddenly ceased to exist. There was only this terrible silence. He just stood there, staring at the place where he threw the vending machine. It was still covered in dust, not letting him to see through.

 _No more Izaya? Like hell._

"Like hell," he repeated out loud. Just then he realized he was trembling. His whole body was shuddering with tremors and cold sweat covered his features.

When he imagined the moment he managed to land a hit on Izaya, from all the emotions he expected he would feel, fear was not one of them. Shizuo panted hard, pumping the oxygen he so desperately needed into his lungs, while trying his damnest to see through all that dust. He didn't know if he wanted to see. He just had to. Slowly, he moved closer, with each step his heart was beating faster, his legs felt weaker.

"Flea...?" he called hesitantly. He didn't know why he did so, it was too quiet for Izaya to hear it anyway. He felt the urge to call his name louder but couldn't find his voice, it was stuck somewhere in his throat.

At this point he felt something he didn't feel in a very long time.

Panic. Intractable panic that brought back the ringing of blood to his ears, that made his already arduous breath even more shaky, that covered his limbs with pins and needles.

Shizuo's pace quickened as he wanted to finally see the vending machine. He wanted to see the outcome of his outburst. He wanted to see...

"Iza-!" he started louder this time, but was interrupted with the sound of clapping. The name didn't leave his lips as he abruptly stopped breathing to catch the sound, to make sure it wasn't his imagination. But he forced his legs to move him further.

When he got close enough he was finally able to see through the already falling dust.

He was there. Izaya was sitting cross-legged on the top of completely destroyed vending machine, which was sticking from the mini crater it created from the powerful impact with the turmac. Izaya's usual smirk was there, mocking eyes piercing, staring back at completely petrified Shizuo. He was still clapping when he hopped of it and made few steps towards the blond.

"Phew! Well Shizu-chan, I must admit that was a close one," he stopped his applause to hid his hands in pockets of fur-trimmed coat. "Half a second and I would be done for. You can be proud of yourself. But I'm afraid it's not enough to get rid of me, you know Shizu-chan? You have to try a little bit more... harder..." Izaya trailed off and frowned deeply as he took a better look at Shizuo. He blinked a few times before he snorted hard. "What's with that expression, are you that disappointed? Jeez." He snickered some more but when he was met with no reaction he stopped. His expression went blank for a mere second as he studied Shizuo's face, his crimson irises shining with curiosity. Soon enough he put his smirk back and purred, "don't worry Shizu-chan, next time you'll make it." Izaya winked and set off running. And Shizuo just stared. The informant looked back once to make sure Shizuo was not following. He wasn't.

He just stared. When Izaya disappeared behind the corner, he felt his legs giving in and he sat heavily on the curb, searching through his pants' pockets for cigarettes. He took one into his mouth with trembling hands and lit it, sucking it in in less than five drags. He lit another.

He ran a hand through his messy hair as he tried to regain his composure. People were walking past him warily, whispering to each other. He couldn't give a flying fuck.

"Fuck." Shizuo said quietly and realized he was smiling. A small, upward tug of his lips.

 _Disappointed? Ha. Like fuck._

He never felt more relieved in his entire fucking life.

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A/N: And so, the story begins. Story of dreams, nightmares and desires.

(this chap is kinda short, but it's an introduction so I guess it's okay?)

more to come :)  
See ya!


	2. Panic

_It was dark. And quiet. The only thing surrounding him was sweet nothingness._

 _ba-dump_

 _ba-dump_

 _ba-dump_

 _Quiet sound appeared. It was his own heartbeat. Stronger and louder with every other beat._

 _Something became visible in the darkness, far ahead. Shizuo blinked a few times to clear his vision._

 _A street. An alleyway. A lamp post. Buildings. A city._

 _The lamp post was shedding a very dim light over a narrow alleyway filled with fog. It was impossible to note what was hiding in there. But something was reeling him into that vagueness. Some unknown desire to_ find out _was pulling him there like a magnet. He felt as if he was floating in that direction. Like his movement had nothing to do with his legs._

 _The closer he was getting there, the more uneasiness was settling in. There was something entirely not right out there, but he couldn't point out what exactly._

 _His own heartbeat remained the only sound audible. However, it was getting unregular, rapid._

 _Not knowing why, he felt the sudden pang of panic. It just surfaced within his consciousness, like a small explosion that erupted from his heart and expanded to the whole rest of his body. Then, he began to hear something akin to a white noise. It gradually became more and more loud, almost unbearable, deafening the previously louder sound of his beating heart._

 _He was getting closer to the fog. And he knew, he sensed that the reason of his uneasiness was hidden in there._

 _Shizuo wanted to stop, he tried. But soon enough he realized he had no control over his body - it was moving on its own. The blond didn't want to go there anymore. He hated the idea of going there. But it was just happening. Something was dragging him._

 _The white noise became cacophonous. Powerful rush of blood ringing in his ears. Shizuo's body became hot and weak. Panic, terror and fear took over him as he got close enough to see that it wasn't fog - it was dust. Dust and ashes._

 _He tried to scream but no sound came out. Any words he intended to utter were stuck in his throat. He was just helplessly getting closer, unable to stop his limbs from further movement._

 _The dust which was covering the scenery of the alleyway become less thick as he approached. Something was lying there, directly under the lamp post. It was a rather big, rectangular shaped object. Cold sweat covered the blond's burning body, he gasped for air but his lungs seemed to suddenly shrink - forcing even the smallest amount of oxygen inside them was agonising._

 _And then he was right in front of it. It was a vending machine. Shizuo tried to shut his eyes close but in no avail. As if he no longer had eyelids to protect him from unwanted sigh. He found himself staring at it intensively. It was damaged, broken, deformed. He made yet another step and heard a squelch - his shoe landed in something wet._

 _The white noise intensified, becoming tuneless and unendurable. Shizuo could feel pins and needles over his whole body, he was trembling, paralyzed with staggering dread. And yet, his gaze travelled down to his feet against his will._

 _He found himself standing in a huge puddle of blood which was coming out from under the vending machine. His heartbeat skyrocketed immediately making him feel even more dizzy._

 _He wanted to scream, to run, to breath, to disappear, to hide, to gauge his eyes out._

 _But all he did was staring, was looking closer - close enough to finally notice it._

 _A deformed, broken arm, clothed in fur-trimmed sleeve sticking from under the vending machine. A silver ring on the pointing finger was shining, reflecting the light from the lamp post above._

 _Shizuo watched his own arms extending, grabbing the machine, and slowly lifting it higher-_

 _'Please don't Please don't Please don't Please don't Please don't Please don't Please don't Please don't Please don't Please don't Please don't Please don't Please don't Please_

"DON'T-"

His eyes snapped open and he jerked awake. He rapidly inhaled the air in large gasps while trying to register where he was and what the fuck was happening. His whole bedding, as well as his body, was drenched in sweat. The blond looked at his hands, begging all of deities out there to not find them covered in blood. They were shaking hard, along with his shoulders and entire frame, but they were clean. There was no blood. This was not the alleyway. He was in his room. His own cramped bedroom. It was dark, with only a glimpses of the first rays of sunlight slipping through his window.

It was just a dream.

He closed his eyes to let himself wallow in relief, but immediately the images from his nightmare flashed back with force he wasn't prepared for.

The lamp post.

The fog.

The vending machine.

The blood.

The _hand_.

Suddenly his stomach clutched in strong spasm and abrupt nausea hit him hard. Shizuo covered his mouth and attempted to run to his bathroom, but failed and fell from his bed as his legs gave in as soon as he took the first step. He landed face first on the carpet and tried to get up but the quick movement caused him to stumble over his feet and he fell again, on his nightstand, throwing off everything from its surface. He grabbed its edge to prop himself. The wood cracked under his strong hold but he managed to stand up and make few unsteady steps towards his bathroom, retching and gagging, with his palm firmly pressed to his mouth on his way. He threw the bathroom's door open with such force it fell from its hinges with loud bang and immediately hunched himself over the toilet seat, emptying the contents of his tormented stomach.

When he was done, he flushed it and sat heavily on cold tiles, resting his back against the wall. Breathing was hard, very hard. He brought his shaking hands up and run his fingers through sweat-drenched hair, trying his best to somehow supply his lungs with oxygen. He didn't dare to close his eyes for longer than for a few a quick blinks.

"What in the ever-loving fuck..." he mumbled to the empty bathroom. The resonating silence that answered him made him realize the only sounds audible were his own ragged breath and a loud thumping of his heart. Just the thumping of his heart. Just like...

 _ba-dump_

 _ba-dump_

 _ba-dump_

"Shit, fuck, god _dammit_!" He cursed through his teeth as he forced his body to bring himself up from the floor. He stood in front of his sink, firmly grabbing its edges as he glued his eyes to his reflection in the mirror. He looked like shit, was pale as fuck, the drops of sweat were trailing down from under the line of his hair, his pupils were dilated, he was breathing heavily, his parted lips trembled.

Even despite his usual, deep frown, he almost didn't recognize the man staring back at him.

Shizuo Heiwajima was not someone to be scared, to be so overwhelmingly paralyzed with fear - and yet that dream left him horrified. That was terrifying. He had never been tormented by nightmares before - sure, some bad dream here and there but this... this was on an entirely different level.

The blond felt his arms starting to tremble against the sink he was grabbing. He cursed again and hastily turned the tap on. He gathered some of the ice-cold water into his shaking hands and violently splashed it on his face. After the fourth cold splash he tapped the water off and glared at his reflection again. His pupils were back to normal at least. Shizuo stared into them deeply, repeating in his mind over and over again that he is _not_ staring into the eyes of a fucking _murderer._

"Calm the fuck down," he said to himself, "for fuck's sake, just _calm down,_ dammit!"

It. Was. Just. A dream.

Suddenly he felt like a fucking _grade schooler_ , craving for someone to be there, to rub his back and tell him those word, to reassure him, to help him drag himself back to conscious, to reality. But no, he was all alone, a grown up man trembling in his bathroom. And he _needed to_ put himself together, _now._

He slowly took another breath and attempted to close his eyes. Only to open them wide again, almost on instant.

It wouldn't go away. The images.

"FUCK!" he didn't register the moment his fist collided with the mirror. Shizuo just stared at his multiple reflections on the remaining shards of a broken mirror that managed to not fall from the wall with the impact.

Okay, now he was pissed. He was pissed at himself for being in such pathetic state and not being able to come down from it. He stormed out from the bathroom, half glad that now he was also pissed, not only scared, and grabbed the pack of cigarettes that earlier fell from his nightstand. When he approached his window he pulled a little bit too roughly on the curtains, ripping them off, he opened the window and hastily attempted to light his cigarette. He nervously chuckled when the damn thing finally lit and instantly sucked as much smoke to his lungs as they were capable of storing. He exhaled it heavily while staring at the sky, still devoid of daylight.

Okay, let's be reasonable.

Izaya is alive and probably in the middle of messing up some poor soul's life.

The machine didn't land.

It didn't hit him.

He didn't kill him.

Shizuo slowly repeated those sentences, again and again, as he chain-smoked. When he was through his fifth cigarette, he closed his eyes while trying to think about something pleasant. Bunnies, puppies, kittens, ice-creams, sunset, sakura trees...

He flinched when Izaya's smirking, smug face flashed among those images. But he didn't reject it. Instead, he clung to this image, focused on it, focused on the curve of Izaya's lips as he smiled, on his crimson red eyes - piercing, sharp, glistering with mischief, with danger, with _life._ He thought of the way he ran, jumped, fought, mocked, laughed, moved - _lived._ He thought about the sound of his annoying voice, its tone melodic and disparaging all at the same time, and that he _will have_ a chance to fucking hear it _again_ straight from its damn _source._

Shizuo felt his heartbeat slowing down, his palms ceased to tremble and the cold sweat stopped. He sighed heavily and tension left his shoulders. And then he just laughed out loud at the thought that he just fucking calmed down by means of thinking about the damn flea. He fell into the actual fit of laughter because that shit was just so ridiculous.

As he was done chuckling, Shizuo turned back from the window with a sigh and slided down to sit heavily on the floor under it. He set his eyes at some particular spot on his worn out wallpaper and focused on his calm, steady breathing, glad that it was finally back to normal.

And then he froze.

 _Shit,_ he though as he remembered a few tiny details concerning this particular morning that seemed to be unimportant just a few moments ago.

He ripped his bathroom door from its hinges, he smashed his nightstand, he punched a damn mirror and shredded the curtains. From Kasuka.

 _Fucking great._

With a sigh he ran his hand over his face before he glanced at the digital alarm clock, lying upside down somewhere on the floor.

4:53 it read.

He refused to go back to bed - the risk of nightmare refreshing in his mind was too high. He settled for a shower then. After he stepped out from it, it was still too early to get ready for work so Shizuo grabbed the bottle of milk and turned the TV on. While the time passed, he just sat there disconnected, lazily staring at the moving images. When the time to go finally had come, he groggily moved to get ready. The restless night had started to show its effects and the blond caught himself yawning for the fourth time in a minute. His whole body was sore from tension. _Yeah, this day is going to be fantastic_.

XXXXX

"Rough night?"

Shizuo blinked at the sound of a voice. He turned his head and looked at Tom, who was smiling at him, concern visible behind his features. "Hmm?"

"Well, you've been yawning all the time and don't exactly look well-rested, to put it nicely," Tom explained with a small chuckle. They were wandering around the city, nearing the centre of Shibuya, in hope to find their last debtor for a day. Shizuo's whole shift felt like it didn't even happened. He was disconnected and unfocused all the time, everything felt hazy and distant. A pang of guilt struck him for making his co-worker worried and for being insufficient with his performance. "Yeah, I guess..." he mumbled while glueing his eyes downward, ashamed, "sorry."

"Don't be sorry, it's not like you're required to always be in your best form," Tom elbowed him slightly, grinning. "It's okay, just make sure to rest, hm? It's Saturday tomorrow, you'll have a chance."

The blond smiled lightly when he nodded, "I'll try to."

They were both silent for a moment, as they walked down the streets. The sun was already low, the masses of company workers were on their way back home, flooding the sidewalks. City lights were slowly replacing the natural sunlight, illuminating the streets with neons.

"Was it Izaya?"

Shizuo felt like he was punched at the sound of that name, shivers invaded the back of his skull and he snapped his head instantly in Tom's direction.

"Huh?"

"Yesterday, when you disappeared. Was it Izaya again?"

The blond gulped hard and blinked a few times when he realized he was gaping at his senpai. He cleared his throat before he managed to produce some words. "Ahh, yeah. It was him."

The dreadlocked man chuckled. "Figures," he added, but Shizuo went silent. Frown creased his forehead and he stared somewhere in the distance, trying his damnest to stay calm. The mixture of anger and unsettlines started to build up in him. He growled and lit a cigarette, scowling. He held the first drag long, letting the nicotine to do its magic, to fill him with fake tranquillity. They continued their walk, Shizuo's scowl clearly suggested that he didn't want to hold that conversation any longer. He could feel Tom's eyes watching him warily but didn't look to meet his gaze. He was too occupied with holding his composure intact.

He decided not to think about that dream. After all, it was _just a fucking dream._ Yeah, not a big deal. Everyone had nightmares, that much was obvious. Shizuo refused to dwell on its meaning or other shit like that, it was pointless. Everything should just go back to normal, he was just shaken up in the morning, with how vivid the whole thing felt. But it was over now.

"Okay, here we are," Tom announced. "The guy should be somewhere in here, we can try with that pachinko over there for starters."

Shizuo nodded and looked ahead, in the direction of the arcade that was on the other side of Shibuya crossing. They were standing and waiting for the lights to turn green so they could cross the street, when the time suddenly slowed down.

 _Izaya._

The debt collector blinked hard to confirm if he saw right.

But yeah, no matter how he looked at it, it was the flea, happily skipping down the sidewalk on the other side of a street.

His teeth gritted and he violently threw his cigarette on the ground. _What the fuck is he doing her n?_

Old habits die hard, he thought, as his fist clenched, his veins throbbed, his blood boiled. A low growl build itself at the bottom of his throat and he felt the urge to punch something or rather _someone_. He made a step further, unconsciously looking for something to grab and hurl. His itching fingers found their way to circle around the nearest sign, pedestrian crossing, and he tightened them preparing himself to rip the thing of the pavement. All his arm muscles tensed, ready to release the force capable of crushing steel, and he pulled, with manic anticipation to finally connect the metal with that lithe flea body, to turn the bastard into bloody pulp-

His blood froze in his veins all of sudden, the surroundings became blurry. The spasm of anxiety contorted his face which just a moment ago was twisted with pure rage. Shuddering tremor washed over his whole body. He could feel the blood draining from his face and his breath hitched.

All the people around him moved forward as the lights turned green, but Shizuo just stood there, petrified.

It was all there again.

The alleyway, the fog, the vending machine and Izaya's broken, deformed body, reduced to a bloody mush.

Shizuo felt nauseous.

 _Fuck. No._

 _Not a chance._

His grip on the pole slackened and he draw his hands back to his sides. The blond blinked hard, catching his breath, and he locked his gaze on the flea again. It seemed that the raven still didn't noticed him. _Good, let it stay that way._ Shizuo turned on his heels and walked away from the crossing, as casually as his anxiety allowed him, to the nearest alleyway, ignoring Tom's calls completely. The chant of quiet ' _don't notice, don't notice, don't notice'_ was resonating in his mind as he tensely approached the nearest crease between two buildings. When he only rounded the corner, he instantly propped his back against the wall and tried to calm his breathing. Between his shaky exhales, he let out a fucking chuckle, because he just _hid_ from Izaya. And that was ludicrous. Another funny thing was, that he hid from Izaya because he _was afraid of hurting him._

 _Okay, that's just plain weird._

The blond crouched heavily with a sigh of total surrender and lit yet another cigarette. He probably should be worried about how many of these he smoked recently, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Not in current circumstances. Not when he's losing his damn mind because of the fucking flea. Because that was exactly what was happening. He was losing his mind, there was no other explanation.

Deep frown resurfaced on Shizuo's face as a much more familiar irritation set within him.

 _Fucking fleabag. Always making my life miserable._

He was still frowning when he heard the approaching footsteps. When a shadow cast itself on the ground in front of him, he snapped his head up to look at the person.

 _Shit,_ he thought and gulped hard when his saw Tom, completely out of breath.

"There you are!" the dark skinned man panted, "What the hell Shizuo?! You suddenly vanished like that, you scared the shit out of me! I mean, the look on your face. Did you saw a ghost or what? And we missed the green light," he added, with a sigh full of resignment.

Shizuo stood up hastily and straightened himself, as if he was a student scolded by a fuming teacher. "Shit, I'm really sorry. It's just that I…"

He what exactly? Got scared at the sigh of Izaya and decided to hide so he won't have to confront him?

…

Yeah, like FUCK he's going to say that.

He closed his eyes in annoyance and sighed. "...I'm really sorry Tom-san. It won't happen again. I guess I really need some rest," he finished, hoping that Tom won't dwell on it. Fortunately, he didn't.

The dreadlocked man just studied him for a moment before sighing, "Okay, let's just... carry on."

And so they carried on.

They arrived at the arcade centre few moments later and the debtor was there, as supposed. It took only one snarky remark for Shizuo's frustration to gave in and poor bastard ended with broken arm and paid debt. Tom let it slip as he was glad that the poor guy wasn't killed and that their shift had finally came to an end.

On his way back home, Shizuo realized how afraid he was to fall asleep.


	3. Torment

_There was Izaya Orihara in front of him._

 _That was the first thing Shizuo realized._

 _The raven was propping his back against the wall of a building, only a few meters away from the blond, hands in his pockets, his posture was relaxed. He was not fighting. He just stood there and stared._

 _He stared into Shizuo's eyes. Two red, glimmering orbs filled with mischief and danger bored into him._

 _Izaya was smirking. He smiled this mocking smile, daring Shizuo to approach him. And Shizuo did._

 _He was enraged._

 _That was the second thing Shizuo realized._

 _The blond could feel his anger, an uncontrollable fit of rage, burning in him, like a fire in his veins. His body was trembling in need to hit something, to destroy. The very reason of his anger was casually standing in front of him, smirking, waiting for Shizuo to come closer._

 _And he came closer, his body pulled into motion by fuming rage, every following step left him more and more burning._

 _He stopped mere centimeters away from Izaya, vicious grin was stretching his lips as he stared back into those fiery crimson eyes._

 _And then, just like that, he closed his hands around Izaya's neck. The raven didn't struggle, he calmly stared, smile intact, as Shizuo lifted him from the ground by his throat._

 _Shizuo's teeth gritted and he tightened his hold on the other's neck._

 _s t o p_

 _He watched with contentment as Izaya's face suddenly contorted with pain, a grimace replaced his sharp smile. He felt himself smiling wider as Izaya's eyes shut close and his slim hands reached up to untangle Shizuo's fingers away, all in no avail._

 _N o_

 _s t o p_

 _He chuckled darkly at the raven's attempts to scream, at how he opened his mouth in a silent shout. He observed with sick satisfaction as Izaya's skin was slowly turning red and then purple, before it turned blue._

 _n o  
_

 _nononononononononononononononononono  
_

 _He could feel how the informant's skin broke under the force of his squeezing hands, he could feel the warm blood under his palms._

 _ohgodpleaseno  
_

 _He tightened his grip and held his breath in sick anticipation as Izaya's crimson, bloodshot eyes rolled back into his skull, as his life was slowly slipping away. Izaya's lips formed soundless words. 'Shizu-chan', he read from the movement of blue lips. He added some more force, just for good measure, and then, there it was._

 _Powerful, loud SNAP._

 _ _fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfu-  
__

"...-ck, fuck, fuck, no-" Shizuo heard himself whimpering weakly as his senses slowly came back to him. His heart was hammering against his ribcage and he found himself choking on the air. His eyes slowly opened and he saw the ceiling of his bedroom. It was blurry. Everything was blurry, aside from Izaya's lifeless face flashing in obscure images in front of his eyes. Shizuo's whole frame was shuddering. He let out a couple of shaky breaths before he forced himself to blink a few times and something wet and warm trickled down his face. Shizuo slowly brought his trembling hand to feel his face.

Those were tears.

He just fucking choked Izaya to death. With his own hands. He felt every fiber of that neck's muscles breaking under his palms, he felt the sickening _crack_ , that _snap_ , he _felt it_ resonating through his arms as the bones gave in under his grip.

More tears streamed down his cheeks as he felt the rapid nausea building up in his stomach. He propped himself into a sitting position and covered his face within his hands as he shook.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit shIT SHIT!"

That was when it occurred to him.

Another nightmare.

It was another _dream._ It was not reality. _Not reality, not reality, not reality, not reality, not reality_

He started to roughly rub at his eyes to get rid of unwanted tears.

 _Just a fucking dream._

It wasn't working. Not at all. He was still shaking, his heart was still hammering, tears were still flowing.

"Fuck, I just can't," he mumbled incoherently. He felt the desperate need to see Izaya. Right here and there. To see his face, to hear his voice, to _confirm_ it was just a dream.

Without thinking, he grabbed his mobile from the nightstand and with trembling fingers launched his contact list. He remembered that Izaya called him once and he saved the number under _Flea._

His breath was laboured and his vision was still blurry from the excess of tears as he struggled to read the letters on the tiny screen but finally found 'Flea'. His thumb hovered over the _dial_ button but then he realized what in the everloving fuck he was currently doing.

" _Jesus_ ," he hissed as he tossed the phone on the bed as if it had burned him and ran his hand through messy hair. "What the fuck, what the _actual_ fuck?" he asked himself.

Okay, he couldn't possibly call his worst enemy, in the middle of the night, without a better reason than simply wanting to hear his voice.

No, Shizuo was pretty sure that would be _slightly inappropriate._

However, without the concrete confirmation he couldn't calm himself. He was shaking again, as images from the dream attacked him with full force every time he blinked. So he settled for the only method that seemed to work.

He focused on thinking about the fucking flea. About his eyes, about his smile, about his movement, recalling their fights, their quarrels. Recalling the image of Izaya being _alive._

And soon enough, his breathing calmed down, the tears stopped to flow. And then he laughed again. He laughed so hard that his sides started to hurt. He didn't even know why. Was is the ridiculousness of this whole situation? Helplessness? He could fight anything, he was strong enough to lift a fucking car, but then again, he was powerless when it came to a battle with his own mind.

It was his third nightmare. In a row. All of them shared one specific detail - Izaya, dying. By his hands.

He remembered when he was afraid to go to sleep on his way home from work on Friday. And rightly so. When he finally managed to fall asleep, it happened again. He woke in the middle of the night, covered in sweat and shaking, vivid images of how he just crashed Izaya's head on the pavement dancing in front of his vision. The feeling of warm blood and bodily pulp that dripped from the cracked skull he was gripping was still fresh on his hands. He didn't manage to fall asleep again. He spent his whole Saturday sitting in front of his TV, mindlessly staring at the screen in a lame attempt to distract himself. But then the evening came inevitably and he had to go to sleep again. And here we are.

Those were getting worse and worse. The lack of sleep left him completely drained, the exhaustion made him disconnected, vulnerable to outbursts of emotions, anger and anxiety specifically. It was as if some mischievous force was playing with his buttons, variably pushing the 'rage' and 'fear' ones, without a single warning changing his emotions. Shizuo was just tired.

He had no clue what was happening with him and didn't understand it at all. He couldn't decipher the nature of those dreams, why they were so fucking vivid, why they left him so shaken up every single time.

He didn't know much about dreams, he was never interested in them in any way, because why would he? Those were just fucking dreams.

And yet, 'just fucking dreams' left him to feel completely defeated and weak. Him, _weak._

Shizuo grunted angrily and heavily lied back on his bed, staring daggers at his ceiling. He grabbed his pack of cigarettes and lit one while still lying on his back. He lazily watched the smoke travelling up as he wondered what the fuck he should do. He was all alone in this shit.

His eyes widened.

 _You know Shizuo, you're never alone. You can always talk to me if something bothers you._

Celty.

He recalled her saying that more than once. He smiled unconsciously when he thought that he didn't deserve such friend. Even so, he found his phone somewhere in his sheets and looked at the time. It was almost 3 A.M. It would be miracle if she wasn't asleep yet, especially since it was middle of the weekend and she wasn't working. He tried anyway.

{hey celty you asleep?}

Surprisingly enough, the response came instantly:

[ Hey Shizuo :). No, I'm not. Is something wrong?]

He smiled. He certainly didn't deserved a friend like her.

{well remember when you said youre always willing to listen me out?}

[Of course I remember.]

{i kinda need it right now}

[Did something happened? I'm worried now.]

{no nothing happened. i just need to talk. can we meet?}

[ Sure :) When? ]

{now}

[Now?! It it this urgent?]

{ i guess not but i need it. im sorry if im asking too much}

[ No, no, it's not a problem, I'm just really worried now. But sure, let's meet. The usual park? In 15 minutes?]

{sure. thanks Celty}

[It's okay :). I'm heading out, see you]

Shizuo closed his phone and forced himself to rise from the bed. He headed for the bathroom to at least brush his teeth and wash his face, before he started to put his clothes on. He settled for something more comfortable, simple jeans and a white t-shirt.

As soon as he left his apartment he lit another cigarette and mindlessly walked in the direction of their meeting point. "The usual park" happened to be close to his place so he would probably be there first. He was aware that dragging Celty out at such a late hour was a lot. Shinra will be delighted, for sure. But he was out of options.

The blond reached the park and sat on the nearest bench. He lifted his gaze from the ground and stared at his surroundings, trying to not think about anything in particular. It was quite chilly, the night breeze was smacking his face lightly. It felt nice, considering that he woke up being on fire.

Soon enough, he heard the distant neigh of Celty's bike and she came to his vision as she appeared from behind of the nearby building. She parked her Shooter and waved at Shizuo to which he waved back.

The Headless Rider approached him and he smiled when he uttered a small "hi".

She stopped in front of him and shuddered, almost jumping. She took her PDA and started to write frantically.

[Oh my god, Shizuo, are you okay?]

He frowned at the message. "Um, yeah, I guess? I mean no, but yeah?"

[You look…]

[...devastated…]

The blond blinked before he let out a dark chuckle, "that's a very nice way of saying 'like a shit', but yeah, I probably do."

[What happened? You know how worried I am? You suddenly texted me at 3AM and asked for a meeting.]

Shizuo grimaced and glued his gaze to the ground, feeling ashamed. "I know, I'm really sorry… It's just… I'm kinda out of options at this point…"

Celty went 'silent' for a moment and she seemed to be 'staring' at him intensely. And then she jumped again.

[Is it]

[about Izaya…?] she started hesitantly.

Shizuo's eyes widened on instant and he stopped breathing. It seemed to be the reaction Celty was waiting for.

[Oh god…]

[Shizuo…]

[Did you… ]

[Did you kill him? If you need to dispose the body I'll do my best to-]

He felt like he was hit with a fucking truck and stopped reading the message. She's just fucking hit the goddamn jackpod with that, seriously. He suddenly stood up from the bench, startling his friend in the process.

"WHAT THE FUCK, CELTY?! NO, GODDAMNIT," he roared before he grabbed the trash can to hurl it somewhere. But suddenly he went rigid as he was covered in Celty's shadows that restricted him. Between laboured gasps and red vision he noticed PDA having been shoved in front of his face.

[I'm sorry!]

[I really am!]

[ I didn't mean to anger you!]

Shizuo blinked a few times to register what he just read. Then he took a deep breath.

It was just reasonable for her to think that. Obviously, she still didn't know about his 'problem'. And yet, he lashed out at her without thinking. He seriously wanted to punch himself.

"I.. I'm sorry. It was unnecessary. I'm good now, you can let me go."

Celty studied him for a second before she finally untwindled her shadows.

When released, he put the trash can down and sat heavily on the bench again with a deep sigh.

[What's going on then? Shizuo, I'm really, really worried.]

He side-glanced at her message before he moved his gaze to stare on the ground again.

"So…" he exhaled, "it kind of _is_ about… Izaya. But it's not that he or I did something. Although, I'm not so sure. Maybe that fucker is behind it somehow. Some sort of brainwashing or mind control or other shit like that…" he realized he was rambling so he sighed again and rubbed at his temples. "The thing is… I've been having nightmares."

Celty tilted her neck to the side, before she typed.

[Nightmares…?]

"Yeah… Fucking _horrible_ nightmares. I haven't slept properly in three days now. I don't know what to do anymore, just feeling so fucking drained Celty…"

[But what kind of nightmares? What does it have to do with Izaya?]

"Yeah, that's exactly where things get complicated. All of those fucking dreams are about Izaya. Specifically, about _me_ killing him… With cold blood. With my bare hands, Celty. I fucking can't stand it, I have no clue what the fuck is going on with me but… when I wake up from those dreams, I'm damn wasted. I feel like shit. Today I woke up _crying,_ Celty, _crying_ for fuck's sake. It all feels so _vivid_ , it's scary, seriously. All of that feels so fucking _real. Jesus Christ_ , I splashed his brain on the pavement, I flattened his body with a vending machine, I fucking _choked him_ to death with my hands and then _snapped his neck_ just for good measure. I watched as life was slipping away from his eyes..." he fumbled with his lighter as he clumsily lit his cigarette.

They were both silent for a minute as Shizuo smoked and let Celty process everything he just said. He felt nervous, afraid of her reaction for some reason, because after all, that shit was purely insane.

She tapped his shoulder to show him the message.

[Shizuo, please bear with me, since I know that this is probably not a good question to ask right now but…]

He nodded for her to continue, trying to brace himself in case of anger building up.

[Wasn't that a kind of thing you always so desperately wanted?]

[Getting rid of him, killing him.]

Shizuo frowned deeply and sharply turned his head away, hissing a curse.

"I know, _damnit!_ I know," he sighed. "That's exactly why I have no idea what the fuck is going on."

[When did it start?]

[I mean, did something happen to fuel those nightmares?]

He scowled again, "Yeah… I... almost killed the bastard a few days ago. I threw some heavy shit at him, as usual, and it almost landed. I was fucking _sure_ it actually landed and that made me almost shit my pants, I swear. I… I don't know if I can describe how horrified I was when I realized it… killed him. When I _thought_ it killed him. But that's not the worst part. The worst part was when I realized how fucking _relieved_ I was when the flea came out unscratched, as always. No, wait, I have something even better! When I saw him after my first nightmare, I fucking _run away_ from him and hid, because I was afraid to fight him," he laughed without a trace of amusement and lit another cigarette.

Celty observed him with a tilted neck. He didn't dare to look back at her, afraid to meet his own reflection in her helmet.

She finally moved and started typing.

[ Shizuo… You're not a murderer. You're a good man and I can tell that your heart is pure. It's filled with anger and lots of insecurities but pure nonetheless. I'm sure you wouldn't kill anybody. You don't want to kill anybody. You just freaked out since it was so close for the first time.] he read.

"Huh?" he blinked a few times and fought the blush that started to creep out at her kind words. But he held his composure. "No, that's bullshit. I nearly killed a shit load of people, Celty. I saw them almost dying, and nothing like that never happened. This is the first time I almost killed Izaya, not just anybody" Shizuo added.

[Well, in that case] she started.

[please don't get angry] Celty added hastily before writing the rest.

[Maybe you just don't want him dead after all?]

"Huh?" he uttered again. The thought felt hilarious in itself, but at the same time he felt as if something heavy was lifted from his shoulders. With a deep frown he moved his eyes from Celty's screen and locked his gaze on the ground. It both made sense and didn't make any.

"I hate him," he stated.

[I know.]

[But it doesn't necessarily mean you want to kill him.]

He just frowned at her as she took her sweet time to type longer messages.

[I meant to tell you this some time ago, but I knew how you would react. I think now is a good moment. Shizuo, I just don't think you're completely aware of what you're saying everytime you promise to kill Izaya. You see… killing someone means to stop their existence. Once and for all. They cease to exist. They become a 'no more'. You never see them again, hear from them. They disappear and more importantly, you become a reason for that - it's you who took their life away. And there is no turning back once that happens. And it seems like some part of you actually doesn't want that to happen when it comes to Izaya. Sure, you want him to stop his schemes and all his shady business from prospering, but not to end his life.]

The blond's eyes widened as they scanned the message. Then, he let out an exhale and with a deep frown looked up at the dawning sky above them as he slowly and carefully considered every single word he just read. Lately, he had had more than enough occasions to contemplate what would happen if Izaya had died, especially by his own hands, and he really didn't want to go through that train of thoughts again. The way his chest constructed at the mere thought assured him that there had to be an ounce of truth in what Celty was saying. Shizuo grunted loudly and his face contorted with a scowl. "This is just fucking ridiculous," he muttered under his breath as he propped his elbows on his knees and hunched his shoulders, restlessly running fingers through blond locks.

[But just think about it]

"Celty, _he_ wants _me_ dead for sure. That piece of _shit_ tried to kill me more than once."

[So what? You're better than that.]

That shut him up for at least one full minute. He used it to light yet another cigarette.

"I don't know about that…' he mumbled angrily, with the cigarette hanging loosely from his mouth. He already had enough of questioning himself whether he wanted to kill the flea or not. The mere fact that he had to reconsider it was just so surreal and confusing that he refused to dwell on it any further.

"Anyway," he started while exhaling some smoke, "what do I do? I can't fucking sleep anymore, I have work the day after tomorrow, those dreams are killing me. I wake up all terrified and shaken up. I can't fucking _function_ like this."

[What about sleeping pills?] she tried.

Shizuo shook his head, "Not a chance. Even Shinra tried. Sleeping pills and all sorts of tranquilizers never seemed to work on me."

[I see…]

Short silence occurred. They were both staring somewhere in the distance, tying to come up with some ideas. Suddenly, Celty 'spoke'.

[Maybe you should meet him?]

Shizuo choked on his smoke so hard that the dullahan had to rub his back for him.

"WHat?" the blond scowled when he came down from his coughing fit.

[I meant 'confront' him! You know, see him and check your own reaction again.]

[Maybe it will help you to figure out some stuff. If you approach him with a proper mindset.]

"Yeah, the last time I confronted him I ran away," Shizuo grunted.

[That's because you didn't 'confront' him. You just saw him.]

The blond hummed. "Fair enough," he admitted with slight irritation.

[ :) ]

"Yeah, yeah, stop being so smug about it, dammit," he said and elbowed her gently.

Her shoulders shook with quiet laughter and Shizuo smiled despite himself. Having a friend like her was surely lifesaving.

After she was done laughing, she let out something akin to a sigh. Her shoulders hunched and she typed:

[I wish I could help you more. I feel sorry for you.]

The blond blinked a few times and looked at her confused. "What the hell are you talking about? You helped me plenty. For first, you showed up after I randomly asked you to meet me in the middle of the fucking night. You listened to me and talked to me. It's more than enough, Celty."

She looked for something in his eyes before she typed again, [In that case, I'm glad :) ]

Shizuo nodded. "I'll try… confronting him then. Fuck, that's going to be _fantastic,_ I can say."

[Attitude is important. :) ]

He just snorted at that. "Okay, so, will you be able to tell whether that piece of shit is going to be in 'Bukuro tomorrow?"

She tapped her 'chin' as she wondered. [I can check out the chat logs, he's there pretty often, rambling. If not, I can try asking him if he has some job for me, and try to find out somehow. I'll text you as soon as I find something out.] she wrote.

"Sure, thanks Celty." Shizuo smiled.

[You're welcome.]

"No, I mean it."

[Me too :) ]

The debt collector stood up from the bench and stretched his arms. "I shouldn't keep you any longer. Shinra will kill me."

[It's possible.] she typed and chuckled soundlessly.

"See you around, Celty. And thanks again," he said and waved at her before he turned to leave.

As he was walking down the sidewalk, he heard Shooter's roar. He stopped and looked as Celty disappeared behind the building. He smiled slightly, wishing that he could be more optimistic about all of this.

 **A/N:**

 **a little sneaky-peak: Izaya's POV comes with the next chap :**

 **But I also need to warn you that updates are going to be quite irregular since exam session is murderous. And my BA thesis won't write itself as well, unfortunately xD So please be patient :C**

 **Well then, let me know what you think!**

 **See ya!**


	4. Passion

**A/N: ummm... hi**  
 **im sorry for the wait? ^^"**  
 **Anyway, here's the promised Izaya's POV. Have fun!**

(I'll meet you at Nishiguchi Park then~!)

[Understood.]

(Pleasure doing business with you, Courier-san.)

A smile spread across Izaya's face after he pushed the 'send' button. As he expected, there was no further reply.

It was rather unusual for the Headless Rider to ask for a job herself. She hardly ever refused his errands but then again, she never asked for them. It was more than obvious that Celty wanted him in Ikebukuro for some unknown reason, with how clumsily she tried to find out if he was planning to go there anytime soon. _Interesting_. He actually had a couple of businesses to attend to in the area, so he decided to humor her, because why not? The informant would never refuse the chance to pay a visit in his favorite, precious Ikebukuro.

The raven stretched out in his swivel chair and put his phone back on the desk before he moved to his PC and opened a proper file to copy the set of documents into a flash drive. Shiki-san seemed to be pretty adamant in getting rid of a rival art gallery and of course Izaya would help him to achieve just that. That was how much he loved his humans. _Duh_.

The informant observed with a widening smile as the bar indicating the completion of copying was filling. The files he prepared were compromising enough to close the whole business and indebt the owners for at least few generations. It would be solely Shiki's decision how many of the files he will use. It was pretty disappointing to know that he probably won't use more than necessary, but who knows?

The yakuza executive didn't put any absolute urgency for Izaya to deliver this data but since Celty wanted to see him so much he could as well take care of it now. Aside from Shiki's request, he had another job in Ikebukuro - delivering a couple of discrediting photos from city's security cameras to a rather dull, one-time client. That one was pretty boring, so he could get Celty to deliver those. Two assignments at once. Good.

Humming happily, he unplugged the flash drive and pocketed it into his skinny jeans. The envelope with photos was already waiting in his drawer - he took it out and placed on the desk. The raven spun on his chair to face Namie, who was currently typing on her laptop, filling all the meaningless tasks he had burdened her with.

"Ne, Namie-san," Izaya sang, wallowing in the way she tensed with irritation. Her only answer was a glare in his general direction as she waited for his request.

"I would love to have some coffee, you know."

"Then go and make it," his secretary all but grunted in response and continued her work.

"If I wanted to make it myself I wouldn't ask _my secretary_ ," he purred, putting just enough emphasis on "my" for her to flinch with disgust. He chuckled quietly when she rose from her seat and with a loud ' _hmph_ ' stormed to the kitchen.

"No poisons, please!" Izaya called after her cheerfully. Still smiling, he stood up from his desk and went in the direction of his sofa. He sat heavily on soft cushions sighing with contentment as he sank in it. The raven couldn't help the building excitement at the thought that he was going to Ikebukuro. He almost felt restless.

Doing business in that part of Tokyo was thrilling for a couple of reasons. One of them being a certain monster. The mere prospect of bumping into the beast made his heart race.

There was one thing Orihara Izaya secretly loved about Heiwajima Shizuo.

He absolutely _adored_ his undying hatred.

Maybe not precisely his hatred as in itself. What he got _high on_ , was that exclusive, undivided, devoted, sweet _attention_ he received from the monster each time he came across him. Izaya loved the lethal danger that came with said attention. Walking on the thin ice, flirting with death.

He slowly closed his eyes, inhaling deeply as the image of Shizu-chan appeared in his mind. The image of fuming, enraged Shizu-chan, approaching him, with a deep frown, a scowl written across his face, breathing heavily, with warm, brown eyes glued to his own, crimson ones. Izaya felt himself smiling at the image. He felt as his hands balled into fists, fingernails painfully digging into his palms as the unsettling excitement washed over him at the thought of infuriated, passionate monster getting closer and closer, promising danger; he thought about the low, deep growl of Shizuo's voice when he pronounced his name, purposely drawing each syllable in a manner that screamed danger; he thought about the way this voice was resonating through his whole body, producing shuddering shivers in its wake. He thought about those rare moments, those mere _seconds_ before the blond would throw his first punch, those few seconds in which the debt collector was close enough for Izaya to see that burning fire in mocha eyes, that overwhelming passion; close enough to see how dilated his pupils were - like two supermassive black holes pulling him in - when Shizuo was glaring straight at him, straight into his soul, boring holes into his skull. He thought about the exhilarating surge of adrenaline that came with each successful dodge of a certainly lethal punch or ridiculously heavy projectile. Unconsciously, the raven bit his lower lip and a strong, warm, exciting shiver run down his spine and his brows slightly knitted together as he thought about how, in such moments, he became the centre of the beast's universe, the sole core of his existence, how there was absolutely nothing else that mattered in Shizuo's life beside him and him only. Izaya's inhales became heavy and uneven, and he slowly, sensually, crossed his legs in unconscious search of friction. He felt the copper taste of blood as the skin on his lip finally give in under the force of his pressing teeth.

A dull _clink_ broke the spell and Izaya's eyes snapped open. He lifted his gaze, irritated by the intrusion, and was met with absolutely disgusted expression on Namie's face as she put the mug with coffee on the table in front of him.

"I have no idea what you were thinking about just now, but make sure you'll _never_ make this _repulsing_ expression if front of me _ever again_ ," she spat coldly, her face contorted with distaste, "and your mouth is bleeding," she added before turning on her heel and coming back to her desk to resume her work.

Izaya slowly licked his lip clean before he smirked, "No one told you to stare at me, Namie-san!"

Okay, maybe he had gotten a bit carried away just now. He knew he should be more careful of his surroundings while indulging himself in those… fantasies of his. They were his weaknesses, and yet he treasured them - his guilty pleasures. He was aware that the obvious sexual nature of them should be at least disconcerting, but he was also aware that he wasn't exactly normal. If anything, he was twisted to the very core or his soul. So he simply embraced it.

If there was one thing that could accurately and distinctly describe Orihara Izaya, it was that he was a man who always stayed true to his desires. If he wants something, craves for something - he would get it. At all costs, no matter what. He would have _never_ denied himself.

Still smiling, he turned on the TV and switched the channel to cartoons. He absentmindedly watched radiant images flashing on the screen while he sipped at his coffee, all jittery on the inside, waiting for the time to pass.

xxxxxxx

When Celty took off after receiving all the details of her delivery job, he still stood there for several seconds, looking at her receding back and trying to make sense of her altered behaviour.

She listened to him closely, nodding all the time, giving him all the regard she never had a habit of giving when it came to his person.

She asked questions, too, wanting to know about trivial things like 'how is work', 'any other business in Ikebukuro' and that kind of small talk. All that while fidgeting slightly, her treacherous body language giving away her obvious discomfort and agitation. He answered all her questions, along with to where he was heading next, simply because he was curious to find out why she would need that kind of information.

Temporarily shrugging it off, he left Nishiguchi park and went to stroll in the direction of a certain art gallery. The light was already fading from the sky, coloring it with vibrant shades of the sunset. Neon sign boards were slowly waking up to illuminate the streets with unnatural glow as the moon replaced the sun in its reign. The sidewalks were flooded with masses of humans and Izaya squeezed past them all, marveling over their namelessness, their empty, featureless faces only blurring together in front of his eyes. A fuel to keep the city running. The fuel, the nutrient; they were flowing through the streets like the blood was flowing through the veins. They were all just a substance that provided nourishment essential for the growth and the maintenance of this beautiful organism that is _a city_. It was sad, really.

Izaya loved their hidden individuality - he loved to squeeze it out of them, make their repulsion or beauty to surface in the most surprising ways. He loved to observe their hideous nature emerging, loved to paint their otherwise colorless faces with conflict, excitement, worry, bliss, disdain and all the other shades of what the humanity was.

And they _all_ just let him do it. He _loved_ them for that even more. They were _always_ catching his bait, nibbling at it enthusiastically, following his guidance without the question, toeing the line of his suggestions with the utmost care, never failing to fit into his expectations.

Bittersweet smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

 _All_ but _one_.

He exhaled shakily at the thought of the monster, deep in the pockets of fur-lined jacket his palms formed into fists.

An unmovable object to his unstoppable force.

Heiwajima Shizuo was _never_ playing along to his schemes, he _never_ fitted into his expectations, he never took any bait Izaya prepared for him, no matter how enticing would it be; he never buckled under Izaya's charms.

He was the only person that had ever let him experience the sour, foul and burning taste of the outright _rejection_.

Izaya chuckled under his breath.

He rejected him mere _seconds_ after he heard his name, after their eyes met for the first time. Izaya did remember those fury-loaded glare that bore into his own eyes, he remembered how he shivered under it, he remembered how his chest constricted upon hearing 'I don't like you' instead of 'hey, nice to meet you' which he expected. He remembered how he wondered if that was what if felt like for Shinra to be stabbed - such a harsh, numbing pain, centering in the area of his heart, because that was where Shizuo stabbed him with his instant repudiation.

Soon, Izaya learned that the only reaction he was ever able to elicit from the beast was all-consuming wrath. And Izaya succumbed to it, embraced this uncontrollable rage, he relished in it; he came to _love_ it.

He fell in love with that fury, with that acrimony and animosity, always directed to him, focused on him and him only. He fell in love with the poisonous venom, with the acid that dripped from Shizuo's voice every time he pronounced his name, screamed it, and it never failed to make him tremble with exhilaration, with satisfaction, since in such moments he received pure passion from the monster, instead of dry indifference that would drive him insane, that would invoke the dull ache of being insignificant, rejected.

He brushed his shoulder with someone he passed and smiled apologetically at them, before he tsked at himself quietly. It was not the time to space out and be distracted. The informant quickened his pace to reach his destination sooner and get over with his job.

He stepped into an alleyway that he knew was a short-cut to Shiki's gallery. After few steps he lifted his head to better regard his surroundings and then his heart stopped, his eyes widened and his breath hitched.

In the middle of the said alleyway stood no one other than Heiwajima Shizuo.

Shizu-chan was leaning against the wall, one hand in the pocket of his pants and the other holding a phone, at which he was staring while smoking a cigarette loosely hanging from his lips. Grasping the opportunity of still not being found out, Izaya slowly backed away to hide behind the corner. When he was out of the beast's sight, he let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding and silently chuckled as he couldn't contain the excitement that bloomed in his chest. It was then when it all finally clicked - Celty's questions and Shizu-chan's presence in this particular spot. So it was an ambush, it seemed. But it was odd - the Dullahan never had before contributed to their fights in any way other than interrupting them. Frowning, he peeked from behind the wall inside the alleyway to take a better look at the beast.

His shoulders were hunched even more than usual and his hair was in chaos; he was disgustingly calm as he still read something on his phone. The smoke was lazily seeping through his parted lips, as if he didn't care enough to put an effort of exhaling it in one blow. There was definitely something entirely wrong with him, considering how he still didn't notice Izaya's presence at all. And Izaya found this fact rather irritating. The informant vaguely thought that he could use this obliviousness to simply walk away and choose a different route. But, oh dear , where would be the fun in that?

The beast wanted to ambush him, so he would be nice enough to at least let him try.

He hurriedly texted Shiki that he might be a bit late and his heartbeat was already quickened when he produced his knife from the sleeve of his jacket with a sharp tug of his wrist. The blade gently slipped into his hand, the coolness of the metal soothing the shake of his palm. He took yet another deep breath to calm the thrill that made his entire body tremble, before he smiled widely and stepped into the alley once again.

His crimson eyes glued themselves to Shizuo as he slowly began to approach him, the handle of his now opened switchblade gripped tightly between his bony fingers. He made one step, second, and then another and his smile faltered and his brows furrowed because Shizu-chan still didn't notice him. When he was less than five meters away from the blond he couldn't take it anymore, and he spoke.

"Well, well, what a lovely _coincidence_ to see you here, Shizu-chan!" he could recognize that his own voice was strained, a little bit high-pitched, heavy with agitation and he knew he should modelate it better to mute the frenzy it conveyed but it didn't matter the second Shizuo's head snapped in his direction with the very first syllable Izaya had uttered.

The beast's eyes then widened close to comically and he stiffened completely, the cigarette slowly fallen from his gaping lips. And Izaya waited, anticipated the slow transition of this expression into that of pure rage, once the awareness of who stood before him would finally sunk in that ameba brain of his monster.

Except, it didn't happen.

Seconds passed and Shizu-chan's expression conveyed all but anger.

It didn't happen when the blond slowly pushed himself off the wall, it didn't happen when he snapped his phone shut and pocketed it in his pants, it didn't happen when he hushly uttered "Izaya…" under his his breath, all that while never taking his widened eyes of Izaya's frame. He skimmed his gaze all over the raven's body and Izaya couldn't help the shiver that run through him in the wake of that lingering stare.

The raven chuckled then, darkly, and made a step closer, insults and taunts ready to leave his lips but he halted to a stop when Shizuo made a step back. Izaya blinked, losing his composure momentarily, genuinely surprised and now knowing for sure that there was something acutely odd about the debt collector. Shizuo's eyes were still wide, his lips still parted and his face was as pale as a sheet. And all Izaya felt was frustration because he couldn't read this expression whatsoever. It looked like a mixture of surprise, nervousness and… fear, maybe? But Izaya couldn't put his finger on it, couldn't precise it, because it was so foreign on the beast's face. The informant could feel his smirk widening as his irritation began to seep through his own expression; he made another step closer and the monster seemed to snap out of whatever state he was in and his brows furrowed, his usual scowl emerged.

"The hell are you doing here?" it was supposed to be growled, Izaya could tell, but it wasn't. Instead, it sounded flat.

But he giggled, "Just work, Shizu-chan. But why asking, since you probably know that, don't you? I believe that Courier-san has already informed you." Shizuo's frown deepened upon that. "But really, Shizu-chan? An ambush? I must say I'm actually impressed, you successfully schemed something. Is there an actual brain budding in that thick skull of yours?" he smirked, trying to speak loud enough so his voice would dim the sound of his pulse thrumming in his ears. _That_ should do the trick in angering the beast.

Except, it didn't.

Shizuo just stared at him, scowling, saying nothing, his fist were clenched at his sides; he was trembling slightly but that aside, he was _awfully composed_.

And that definitely did the trick in angering _Izaya_.

The raven's eyes squinted, his smile wavered, and he rose his arm, aiming his blade in Shizuo's general direction. "What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?" He looked into the beast's eyes, trying to find any reason for this strange behaviour, but the damn blue shades were shielding Shizuo's eyes from Izaya's intense scrutiny. Gritting his teeth he made yet another step closer to his nemesis, only for Shizuo to make yet another step back.

Where is the rage?

Where is this fury?

Where is this passion?

What the fuck was wrong with this brute?

Not exactly thinking, the raven tsked and lashed out at the other and Shizuo jumped back, avoiding his attack . Avoiding it. He tried again. With the same result. _Whatthefuck_.

Blood boiled in his veins, he was pissed. "Why won't you fight back, you stupid monster?" he seethed.

"Fuck off, Izaya. Seriously," the blond hissed through clenched teeth, and Izaya felt excitement at the blooming anger that leaked from those words.

"Oh?" the raven smiled again, his hands shook, "First, you patiently wait for me to arrive and then you're telling me to fuck off? Where is the logic, Shizu-chan?" he cooed and then lashed out again, only to have his wrist suddenly gripped with such a force that his blade slipped from his hand.

"Fuck off, I mean it, Izaya-kun," Shizuo demanded quietly, right into Izaya's face, but Izaya barely heard him as he was startled by the sudden proximity and his eyes locked with Shizuo's and he couldn't tear them away for several seconds, marveling over the amount of exhaustion visible behind the blue shades. The monster broke the spell as he averted his gaze and tossed the raven aside, then simply started to _walk away_.

 _What?_

He swirled on his heels and bore his gaze into Shizuo's back. And he was _still walking away_.

 _No one_ walks away on Orihara Izaya.

 _Especially_ not Shizu-chan.

He laughed out loud, without any trace of actual amusement and before he knew it, he moved to pick his knife, and he was standing in front of Shizu-chan again, cutting off his way out. "What gave you an impression that I'm done with you, monster?"

Confused, Shizuo blinked and stepped away from him, looking everywhere but Izaya. "Just leave me the fuck alone, will you?" he muttered gruffly, his eyes still shielded with that fucking glasses.

There was this one inanimate object that Izaya truly _despised_. He despised it to the point of nearly grimacing every time he lied his eyes on it.

That beast's sunglasses.

He hated them from the very bottom of his heart. The informant could very much guess the reason why Shizuo was so fond of them and so adamant to always wear them, even when it was already completely dark outside.

The monster was hiding behind them. He was trying to hide his hideous expression, twisted on pure rage, trying to hide his dilated pupils, that fire in his eyes, ashamed of his true, ugly nature. He was hiding _everything_ that Izaya _adored_ behind those horribly mismatched, blue shades. And it pissed the raven off, to a very great extent.

And now, he was using them to hide something Izaya didn't quite understand, something that Izaya wanted to study, to disclose. And that was _aggravating_ , to tell at least. Izaya was seething with indignation as he extended his arm and simply took the glasses of him, to snap them in half between his fingers. "Well, I'm afraid that's not an option," he rebutted quietly, making sure there was just enough honey in his voice when he offhandedly dropped the remains of the sunglasses to the ground between them, before he stepped on it just for good measure.

This time, the desired change in Shizu-chan's expression finally occurred.

His brows strongly knitted together and his pupils were blown wide in instant; he bared his gritted teeth and there were veins pulsing visibly at his temples, and then he finally growled Izaya's name and when Izaya jumped back into the alley to avoid a metal-crushing punch thrown his way, he was laughing - he was laughing and giggling because he was fucking _overjoyed_.

He was in fact so overjoyed that he failed to compose himself in time and the next thing he felt was his back harshly colliding with the wall. His laughter died on his lips as his throat was now in the grasp of the monster. Izaya's own teeth clenched on the pain and his hands shoot up to pry lethal fingers away from his neck, but in no avail. He wanted to laugh again, wanted to burst with bellowing laughter at the thought that 'this is how it ends' - in the exact way he had always wanted; by Shizu-chan's hands, with Shizu-chan's strength, in Shizu-chan's rage. And he would definitely laugh, was it not been for his windpipe being currently squashed with unmatched power, causing his eyes to water as the flow of oxygen was suddenly cut out. He could already feel the excess of blood pounding in his head, his feet and hands became covered in pins and needles, weakened, lifeless; so he simply grabbed Shizuo's wrists loosely and decided to savour the moment of his own demise, spending the very last seconds of his existence with the unmovable object that managed to stop the unstoppable force. With all his remaining might he pried his eyes open and locked them on his beast, making sure that the last thing his brain would register before it shut down was going to be that monster's face. So he looked into those frenzied eyes that bore into him, he looked at the clenched jaw, at the pulsing veins - and he smiled, genuinely, and he tightened his hold on Shizuo's wrists. And then, Shizuo blinked.

He blinked again and the crease disappeared from between his brows, his jaw went slack, his lips parted and his pupils shrank, zeroing on Izaya's face before his gaze moved down, to where his clenched hands had rested. The raven observed as all the blood drained from Shizuo's face and in the next second the blond gasped, releasing the informant, and he backed away so fast that when he collided with the opposite wall, it cracked from the impact with the beast's back.

Instantly, Izaya fallen to his knees while grabbing at his neck, inhaling the large gasps of air into his oxygen-deprived lungs. It burned more than it brought relief, he noted, and then it dawned on him that he was alive. The realization almost made him giggle but his abused throat wouldn't let him produce any sound yet. He then moved his teary eyes up to look at the cause of his almost-death.

Shizu-chan was pressing his back to the opposite wall so hard, as if he wanted to sink into it wholly. His entire form was trembling with sharp spasms and Izaya was sure that never had he ever saw anybody shaking so violently. Shizuo's eyes were wide on terror, his mouth was agape and he was panting. The shade of his skin was almost greenish. He looked horrible - despite the fact that it was Izaya who almost died minutes ago, he was convinced that Shizuo looked worse than him.

Gathering strength, the raven pushed himself up to his feet, using the wall behind his back for the support and not taking his eyes away from the monster before him. Despite the adrenaline high he was experiencing due to the near-death experience, all he could feel was downright confusion. Standing on shaky legs and adjusting his jacket with shaky hands he started to move closer to the beast.

Shizuo's widened eyes were downcast, staring at some particular spot on the ground in front of him as he heaved. When Izaya apparently stepped into his field of vision, the blond's gaze shoot up, meeting that of the informant. Once their eyes met, Shizuo closed his own tightly.

"Stay… stAY AWAY," he screamed, his voice so heavy on desperation that Izaya actually halted and it was now his turn to stare at the other with wide eyes. Shizuo was trying to press himself even further into the wall, more cracks appeared on it and Izaya wondered if the whole building would collapse.

To be completely honest, the informant was at the loss for words. He couldn't quite comprehend what was actually happening in front of his eyes - what was happening with Shizu-chan.

"Shizu-chan," he tried after clearing his aching throat, "hey, Shizu-chan…"

And Shizuo's eyes opened, landing on Izaya's, and then his gaze moved to the raven's neck before his eyelids fell shut again.

" _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck_ , " he hissed then, and turned his back to Izaya to place his forehead against the wall, and he firmly pressed his fist to his mouth, loudly breathing through the nose. He slumped down to a crouching position, one arm around his stomach and the other still pressed to his lips as he gagged, obviously being nauseous.

And Izaya just stood there, few meters away, completely petrified as he observed it all in what could only be described as an awe. He couldn't tell if he was being so dizzy because of the deoxygenation or because of what he was seeing. He swallowed thickly.

"Hey, you proto-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE," Shizuo roared without even sparing him a glance, before he gagged again and his shoulders hunched. When he went down from the coughing fit, he added almost inaudibly , "...please."

Without the word, the raven turned on his heel and walked away on wobbly legs, his mind in disarray.

 **A/N:"Izaya is kinda fucked up" is an alternate title for this chapter.**  
 **Also, can one have a headcanon for their own story? If yes, then I totally believe Iza jerks off after each fight with his beast. Definitely.**  
 **With this update, the "topping from the bottom" nature of this story emerges, however it's my first time writing such a thing and tbh, I don't know if I can pull it off xD I'll try tho xD**  
 **Please let me know what you think, since I'm kinda anxious about this chapter, haha. See ya!  
**


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